I have been hammering myself to complete a post about this (which you will be reading below a little later) incident that had happened to me last April 14, 2017.
Backtrack: Our church CLGF (Christ the Living God Fellowship) held it’s 2nd batch of Kingdom Transfer Training for those who had finished FollowUp Sessions – also specifically for the Praise & Worship Team. It’s a two-day training that went from April 13 to 14, 2017.
(This post is *really* personal)
It was the 2nd day when my Overthinking skills/Anxiety attacked. I was nearly in tears when “everything” came crashing down on me, like I was being torn apart. I’ve been having regular moments of break down these days. Have you had that, that feeling when you thought you’re okay for some time then after a while, it will just hit you again, double/triple the pain? Ugh. I’m really not liking it, but can’t seem to control it though.
I was trying to hold my tears and stare at my then emptied styro bowl trying to play on the infused liquid of melted ice and milk. When I was unable to hold it any longer, I asked one if my ates from church – whom at that time was about to head home – if I could just stay for a while inside her car. She allowed me and I poured my heart out. I was ugly-crying. AGAIN. For the nth time this year.
I told her what I felt, what ideas were formed in my head, and everything in between. Of course, she tried to calm me down and bring me back to reality but my head was literally all over the place! I nearly suffocate out of my own thoughts and almost had my stomach turn in circles to vomit what I just ingested. I often hyperventilate nowadays out of the negative thoughts that I let myself fill my head.
So, I cried and all. Had quite a few silenced moments with the people I hung out with that night and when I got home (or was it the day/2 days after) when I decided to leave the group chats where I was included with my ates from church and blocked all of them individually. Some were alarmed, I guess and some were concerned enough to stay silent for a while and let me breathe until I get over it.
Days after that incident, I was reading this Heaven on Earth daily devotion that one of my ates (again from church) had given me. That day’s topic was about LIVING STONES. The key verse is Romans 12:5 “We are many parts of one body, and we belong to each other.”
I remember reading and meditating on it and I thought, “Okay, God. You’re scolding me again because I’m isolating myself pretty good.” I stopped hanging out with my ates and incidentally my shift changed from Night shift (11pm-7am) to Mid shift (3pm-11pm) which makes me a frequent absentee from the weekly LifeConnects and MidWeek Services, I had a valid reason then I thought.
One of the phrases that really caught my attention was “the Scripture calls us members of one body, all interdependent and functioning as a whole“, meaning we are all interrelated, associated and accountable of each other. It also says there “we need what God is imparting through other believers, we have to join multitudes through whom God is doing something different than what He has done to us”, indeed true. We cannot really function without others because experiences vary, gifts vary, lessons vary from person to person. I don’t know if I’m making sense to you, but I really hope I am.
This world of highly individualistic age is teaching us to be INDEPENDENT, but we all know that our God is going against the patterns of this world and He would want us to DEPEND ON HIM, and when we say depend on Him, be like children who can’t do anything nor decide for themselves, rather ask our Father the much needed guidance of the Dos and Donts so as all our moves in all areas. We shouldn’t be going by our own will but according to what His will is for us, our specific purpose as made by our Heavenly Father.
Also, isolating ourselves isn’t good. It clearly states that we are parts of one body, like in medical – Anatomy and Physiology kind of way – all the organs in our body are related to one another. One has to go through this system to get through the other system, one has to be doing this function to be able to get the other organs to function (sorry for being a nurse and will probably relate things from now on to our body and other medical-related stuff).
One isolated individual will just be living a hell out of his/her everyday life trying to avoid everyone and everything. They may feel a little less loved, unworthy of the attention or worse non-existing, and that’s solely because of a poorly-rash decision made by being alone. Yes, we may need some alone-time but in times as such, it’s better to really surround yourself with people who really cares for you the most, who would a lot time to listen to you and who would love and accept you regardless of how mean your thoughts are.
I thought of writing this letter to my ates (since it’s kind of a trend to write an OPEN LETTER these days).